CSKA Moscow. They are Horses because their stadium was built on site of stables. They are The Army too – CSKA actually means Central Sports Club (Klub, heh) of Army.

Spartak Moscow. They are Pigs. Original nickname was Meat (Myaso in Russian) because Spartak’ prototypal team was based on meat-packing plant.

Lokomotiv Moscow. You all know what “locomotive” means. No wonder they are Railmen.

Zenit Saint Petersburg. Zenit won a title only once – in 1984. That caused a mass print of plastic bags with club logo. Then you could easily recognize Zenit’ fans by bag in their hands and call them Bags.

Rubin Kazan. Actually hasn’t a nickname. Maybe we can call them Tatars – they are from Tatarstan.

FC Moskva. Club formed fellowship with Manchester City and claim to be Citizens too. But majority call them Caps – because they former sponsor Luzhkov, Moscow major, wear a funny cap.

Luch-Energiya Vladivostok. Tigers – there are few of them at Russian Far East.

Tom Tomsk. Siberians – they are really that far.

Spartak Nalchik. No nickname. Hillfolks may be the offensive one.

Krylya Sovetov Samara. Winglets – that’s what Krylya means.

Saturn Ramenskoe. Aliens – they might be from planet Saturn.

FC Rostov. It would be very obscenely to call them that way, but they are Farmers.

Amkar Perm. No nickname. Permians?

Dynamo Moscow. Team was always protected by big men in Police Department. So we can call them Cops.

FC Khimki. They are our Rossoneri.

Kuban Krasnodar. They might be Cossacks or simply Cubans.

That’s all. Enjoy it and don’t forget to take a look at the map of Russian football.

Team. Won 3 Premier League titles, 3 Russian Super Cups, 2 Russian Cups and UEFA Cup in 2005 – all in last 4 years. Winning of UEFA Cup gained attention to Russian football and soon three Brazilians of CSKA got national team call. Club prosperity related partly to Roman Abramovich but mostly to club president Evgeniy Giner and coach Valeriy Gazzaev.

Stars. Strong Brazilian Diaspora – strikers Vagner Love and Jo, midfielders Daniel Carvalho, Dudu and Ramon. All Russian players of CSKA start XI play for national team – the greatest are keeper Igor Akinfeev and left midfielder Yuriy Zhirkov (here is the sample of his skill).

Transfers. CSKA prefer to target needed players long before transfer and wait for right moment. They signed only two midfielders –Turk Erkin Caner of Manisaspor and Brazilian Ramon of Corinthians who was called “The New Kaka”.

Rivals. Spartak Moscow. CSKA keep beating them for 6 years in every tournament. What a sorrowful story.

Fact. CSKA coach Valeriy Gazzaev promised to shave off his mustache if they win UEFA Cup. They got it – but he didn’t. CSKA rivals always cite this fact – just because they usually got nothing to say.

Team. Has a long, glorious history. Famed with special build of a game, “Spartak style”: back-to-back passing and parallel running. The beginning of XXI century was the great convulsion to Spartak – they’ve lost big coach Oleg Romantsev, sold key players and bought crap instead. Now, after some changes, team is trying to return on past level with coach Vladimir Fedotov, who is old-timer in Spartak’ management.

Star. Egor Titov – long-time captain and the last one who played with famous Spartak’ stars of the past. He was declared “keeper of true Spartak spirit” but unfortunately playing worse and worse. But Spartak’ academy grew some good youngsters – Roman Shishkin, Artyom Dzuba and Dmitriy Torbinskiy now reach the first team.

Transfers. It’s strange but Spartak, who claim to win championship, failed transfer campaign. Main aim was Livorno goalkeeper Marco Amelia but he didn’t arrive and now club have a big problem. They signed Croatian Stipe Pletikosa on last day of transfer period but I’m afraid that won’t be a salvation.

Rivals. Sure it’s another “people’s team” – Zenit St. Petersburg. If you want to have some real Russian football, visit Spartak vs. Zenit (see photo). And another rival is CSKA – not so attended but also very hot derby.

Fact. Vladimir Fedotov said that his team are “the most cheerful” in Premier League. That’s it, Vladimir, that’s it. Only Spartak could left the team bus for going to Champions League match against Inter on subway. And after that concede a goal on 1st minute. Oh yeah. How cheerful.

Team. Stand on few Russian key players and coach Yuriy Semin. When he left club for national team, Lokomotiv fell in crisis. Now Semin returned as a president and fans hope that will be team’s rebirth. The problem is that notable old-timers are close to the end of career.

Star. Playmaker Dmitriy Loskov is the most stable player in Russian Premier League for long years. He passes, he scores, he’s a captain and he has weight in team. It’s strange but he never played well for national team (mind Frank Lampard). Loskov is 33 but he still defines team play.

Transfers. Signed Italian keeper Ivan Pelizzoli – see what kind of player he is. Another buy-outs were Romanian striker Razvan Cocis and Brazilian defender Rodolfo – both played in ex-USSR countries.

Rivals. Another Moscow teams and probably Rubin Kazan – because of same colors and big amount of referee’s mistakes in their matches.

Fact. Few Lokomotiv players featured in Russian Fashion Week (photo above). Curiously both usually aren’t in regular start list.

Team. Always playing in attacking mood and have greatest visual support in Russia (see photo). Last year team was taken over by gas company Gazprom. That brings them well-known Holland coach Dick Advocaat and lots of money to buy new players. Gazprom also funds Schalke-04 so Germans began to call them Schalski (you know why).

Star. No doubt that Andrey Arshavin is the best Russian player now. He’s got everything to be either forward or playmaker. He became a symbol and eternal hope of the team – luckily his abilities will meet good partnership this season.

Transfers. Sold their striker Alexander Kerzhakov to Sevilla. He dreamt about this transfer and already had time to score against Barcelona. Bought three great players: Russian national team striker Pavel Pogrebnyak, Argentian attacking midfielder Alejandro Dominguez and Ukraine centrehalf Anatoliy Tymoschuk. Gas at their best, y’know.

Rivals. All Moscow teams, but especially Spartak because both teams have big amount of fans. Spartak vs. Zenit perfectly represent Moscow vs. Saint Petersburg conflict.

Fact. The only dubious fact about Zenit is fan banner “There is no black in Zenit’ colors”. Actually team hasn’t African players but I hope it’s not a dogma.

Team. Solid squad without big stars. When somebody begins to show great skill, they sell him – but team surprisingly doesn’t lose in strength. Almost every time Rubin’ players have their mouths shut because their management think that silence is golden. Actually it isn’t golden – but it was bronze in 2003.

Star. Last season it was Argentinean forward Alejandro Dominguez but he left for Zenit St. Petersburg. Now Rubin hasn’t true leader.

Transfers. Russian teams always explore South American transfer market and Rubin isn’t an exception. They signed Brazilian forward Jailson and Ecuadorian midfielder Noboa. But Rubin’ scouts didn’t stop there and moved to Europe. They got two players from La Liga: Serbian forward Veljko Paunovic of Getafe and Portuguese midfielder Fabio Felicio of Real Sociedad. Real breakthrough for Russia!

Rivals. Krylya Sovetov Samara – they are the second team that Volga region hosts. And Lokomotiv Moscow because of their colors that are also red and green.

Fact. Rubin’ coach Kurban Berdyev is a Muslim and has a bead (see photo). He always handle it – even while training players and during press conferences.

Team. Till 2003 team was called Torpedo-ZIL aka Automobilists. Then they changed name for Torpedo-Metallurg for a season and after all became FC Moskva. And this new name meant completely new team.

Star. The special one is midfielder Sergey Semak, the most beloved player of CSKA fans. He left CSKA for PSG but soon returned to Moscow. Now he plays for another club but CSKA’ supporters still love him and always sing “Hey Semak, score a goal”!

Transfers. Lost their top scorer Dmitriy Kirichenko to Saturn Ramenskoe but signed Bosnian attacking midfielder Branislav Krunic. Now they have great selection of AM’s – Semak, Krunic and Argentinian Pablo Borrientos.

Rivals. Any team from Moscow. And read a story about Tom.

Fact. FC Moskva’ press officer Maxim Motin has a blog. And coach Leonid Slutskiy, who was called Russian Mourinho by biggest daily newspaper, has a message board. They are really up-to-date!

Team. Has Tigers alias because Russian Far East is an areal of rare Ussurian tigers. Prefers to win at home: it’s not a hard challenge to play against drowsy opponent who took a long, uncomfortable flight over whole country.

Stars. Surely their fans are. Great support at Dynamo stadium didn’t earn result only twice – against Zenit St. Petersburg and CSKA Moscow. Pitch played for Luch too – look at the photo and imagine how muddy it was.

Transfers. Sold a keeper, bought a keeper. No wonder if number of conceded goals will stay the same.

Rivals. There is no need to rival with Luch-Energiya. It’s always hard to survive in Vladivostok and easy to win in, ahem, Europe.

Fact. Luch’ forward Alexandr Tikhonovetskiy is the unluckiest one. Once his shot was stopped by goalkeeper’s hand outside the box, but Tikhonovetskiy wrongly got the red card instead the opponent. Soon he was nailed in smoking weed and banned for 8 months.

Team. Came from First League two years ago. Mostly due to home wins, Tom finished in top half last season but was one of few teams involved in scandal with fixing matches.

Stars. Few players pretend to be them – but only in imagination of their fans. Valeriy Klimov, Denis Kiselev are good local players. That’s all, to be honest.

Transfers. Lost their greatest striker Pavel Pogrebnyak (his surname actually means “burying man”) to Zenit St. Petersburg. Bought a bunch of players from Spartak Nalchik.

Rivals. FC Moskva – because of past conflict between two coaches. Valeriy Petrakov, now with Tom, was sacked from FC Moskva. Leonid Slutskiy, who took Petrakov’s place, was then-coach of FC Moskva B-squad. So Petrakov considered that Slutskiy did him out of a job. Now they are enemies.

Fact. Great Russian writer Anton Chekhov once was in Tomsk and describe all its citizens as “drunk”. So they answered him in kind of revenge way: placed a mock statue of Chekhov “as seen by drunk Tomsk’ bloke”.

Team. There is a kind of tradition that Premier League always has at least one Caucasus team and they are always playing bright and inspired. Last season Spartak, fresh from First League, was on 1st place after half of a season. But then they got down to 9th.

Star. Team’s last season good performance was collective effort. But I can call a star only one person – Spartak’ coach Yuriy Krasnozhan, who rised as specialist there in Nalchik. In three years he took Spartak out from First League’ bottom and make them a Premier League sensation.

Transfers. Spartak lost their local stars but they weren’t real key players. The secret is clever coaching and good team play.

Rivals. Sure it’s they Moscow namesakes. Nalchik is always opposite to every Moscow team, but clash of two Spartaks is the hottest one.

Fact. Official website doesn’t work. Can anybody help?